A Brief History of Givers of Direction and Directions
As Longstreet at Seven Pines and Jackson at Gaines Mill demonstrate, accurate directions are a must. As a historical organization, the Roundtable provides the following short history as a public service. Our study is at least in part Civil War related, but in keeping with the bias of modern academia, we will eschew the military and focuses primarily on the civilian experience, in this case strictly post-war. Firstly, let's define direction(s).
direction: verb - to order someone, especially officially
directions: verb - to tell someone how to get somewhere
Circa 1860s - The Dynamic Duo
One of the greatest givers of directions of all time, after the war, Robert E. Lee lived in Lexington, just an hour's drive from modern Roanoke, then known as Big Lick. Although typically known for his serious bearing, Lee once said, "There are two ways of getting to Lexington - by canal and by railroad. No matter which one you take, you'll wish you'd taken the other."
Circa late 1970s, early 1980s - Bo and Luke Duke
Although derided by at least one local world-class Civil War historian as "two muscle bound rednecks", Bo and Luke Duke commanded an amazing knowledge of their complex local road network. Difficult to catch up with, they were nevertheless entirely willing to give directions to any decent visitor to Hazzard County. Known to wear the same shirts for days on end, and without any visible means of financial support, the Duke boys oddly had little trouble with the ladies. Despite their well documented adulthood, the early lives of Bo, Luke, and Daisy have so far eluded historians. Each being a cousin to the others, and each being an orphan, there is some speculation that three brothers, parents of the three Dukes in question, may have died in a tragic and explosive shine running accident, leaving Uncle Jesse with the burden of raising the three children. The brief entrance of strike breaking scab-cousins Vance and Coy only adds to the confusion.
Circa late 1990s - Gen. Cartman Lee
Motivated by the hatred of his friends, Stan and Kyle, General Cartman Lee directed a pillaging army of Civil War re-enactors from Colorado all the way to the East Coast. Provisioned primarily with Schnapps, Cartman's army successfully entered Washington, D.C., obtaining satisfaction from the President of the United States, William Jefferson Clinton. Perhaps patterning himself after Martin Sheen's version of General Lee, General Cartman Lee appeared to be constantly out of sorts and perhaps in need of nasal decongestant and a laxative.
Circa early 21st Century - Aqua Teen Hunger Force
One of the great mysteries of our time, the three members of the Aqua Teen Hunger Force are launched into space by Abraham Lincoln at the end of each episode - on a wooden rocket no less. Although perceived as a Christ-like figure by many, researchers have yet to determine whether Lincoln has returned from the dead. Should this have actually occurred, the likelihood is minimal that the famed director of men would associate with anthropomorphic fast food on government assistance. That he would direct them to the moon is also highly unlikely. Although the Moonites claim that their civilization is far in advance of Earth's - that weekdays have been made obsolete and that everyone receives checks from the government - the Moonites are, in fact, fond of theft, bird shooting, and various illegal activities. Verily, Lincoln would be wise to direct the Aqua Teens to further their educations and social skills in the hope that they might some day become employable.
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